Being MaryJane Season 1 Ep. 4
*In the middle of an argument*
MaryJane: You said you were going to screw the pool light back in.
MJ: The pool light, you said you were going to do it, but you didn’t.
Andre: Why are you concerned with the pool light right now baby? (In the middle of an argument)
MJ: Why are you not concerned with the pool light?
Andre: OK🤷🏾♂️ **removes socks, shoes, and hoodie and jumps in the pool with clothes on**
MJ: **watches him jump in the pool fully clothed to screw in the pool light**
Andre: ** gets out of the pool dripping with water looking fine… ever so FINE… walks over to MaryJane and looks her dead in her eyes and says, “Is it anything else you need for me to do?”
And then boom 💥 whatever they were arguing about went away and they had HOT, STEAMY sex which, as we know, WILL cloud judgement about the real issues at hand.
This is what happens a lot in SHIPS (family, friend, relation, work, spiritual, etc.). We begin to love someone so much that we do not want to hurt their feelings, so we avoid the real issues and instead focus on the trivial, minute issues. MaryJane wasn’t upset because Andre didn’t fix the pool light, she was upset because she knew what they were doing was wrong. And instead of addressing their issues, she channeled her energy elsewhere… the pool light.
If you watched the episode then you know that Andre was ready to discuss the issues… and MaryJane knew that as well. She also knew that if they had that conversation she was going to lose the man that she desperately wanted… so she deflected… we all, in some form or another, have been there… we love someone soooooo much that hurting them in any way is always, always the last thing you want to do.
But are we sparing their feelings or are we hurting ourselves by not addressing the real issues? When I am deflecting from the real issues it takes a toll on me mentally, physically, emotionally, and ultimately, spiritually, because I sit with those feelings, day in and day out… its almost like those feelings become my god… I worship those feelings… that’s all I can think about… that’s all I feel, the feelings of stress and anxiety of trying not to hurt the person that I love… holding in those feelings makes me have mood swings and I give off negative energy… and if I am honest, my prayer life begins to dwindle… I go through the motions of prayer, but I don’t believe in the prayer. Honestly when I have something on my mind, and I am trying to hold in my feelings my chest starts to hurt, and I begin feeling sick.
And I know we all have been here before… the place of trying to hold something in and when the person or people that we have an issue with does one thing… I am talking about the smallest of the smallest thing WE👏🏾 GO👏🏾OFF👏🏾… we start bring up issues from 1991… issues that have nothing to do with the issues at hand… all of the issues just comes rushing out like lava spewing out of a volcano.
When I am in a relationship with a guy, I have expectations, as everyone should, HOWEVER, when it comes to our relationship and the “sKreets” the ONE AND ONLY RULE that I have is “DO NOT EVER ALLOW ANYONE TO HURT MY FEELINGS.” What do I mean by that, I mean if he did anything that could possibly get back to me that he knows will crush me, HE needs to be the one to tell me, NO ONE ELSE. The logic behind this is by him telling me before the “sKreets” do gives me time to process the information… it gives me time to prepare myself so when someone approaches me to tell me something about him and his shenanigans, I won’t have that devastated look on my face… I won’t give the “sKreets” the satisfaction of seeing me hurt (because you know some folks get off on that… weirdos).
Addressing the real issues before they become grenades is so important in every SHIP… addressing those issues, telling the other party where you stand on certain situations and reiterating your expectations is a must. And practice what you preach! By living up to your own expectations, you are teaching others how to work towards obliging by your expectations.
Believe me, I know that uncomfortable conversations are, well, uncomfortable, however, living with built up stress and anxiety is also uncomfortable and very unhealthy. Remember, folks are not mind readers… how can they fix an issue if they don’t know that there is an issue. And also, remember the only way to get through anything is to just go through it… “…you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you have to go through it.” (Excerpt from the story We’re Going On a Bear Hunt… sorry it’s the Early Childhood Educator in me🤦🏾♀️🤣)
Stop deflecting… address the issues… have those conversations… and thank me later!
The Chic Educator🍎
co-written with Bennett Edwards